Behind Every Great One – a game about a stay-at-home wife

I played this game yesterday and it really hit home for me. My mom was a stay-at-home mom who took care of my sister and me, cooked and cleaned, and mostly just read books. Now that she’s retired, she’s not really sure what to do with herself.

For me, I have two jobs and I still feel the pressure to clean up the house. That feeling of being responsible for maintaining the entire home, while not having time to really do something that helps me grow on my own (I try to make time, but I’m drowning).

And then at the end of every day, the relationship with the husband reminds me of past relationships that I have been in. At the end of the day taking care of the house, I see the nightly pinging for sex like just another chore on the pile that the husband expects from her. I’ve definitely been in relationships like that before, where my boyfriend would want sex regularly, but never put any effort into it.

And all the while, the criticism from others – you’re getting fat, you’re not taking care of the house well enough, you’d just be happier if you took the time to keep the house in order. That sounds like my stepdad and my mom. Sure, having a clean home would relieve stress, but houses get messy again, and I can’t tackle it alone… not when working more than full time.

This post isn’t specifically about Láadan, but for anyone who was raised with the outside world treating you as a girl and as a woman, that feeling of historically you would have been property – a defacto servant – and how that expectation still bleeds into how we treat women today, perhaps you can also relate.



Rachel sitting on campus


At my college, we have a testing center where students can go to take their makeup exams, standardized exams, or just take exams if they need some sort of accommodation. It’s a good idea, and I’ve had a good experience with my university’s testing center, but not this college’s one. It is a Raden – a non-help.

It has systems that are needlessly complex. For example: Students must wait in line to get to the front desk. This queue is usually quite long, going out the door of the testing center room. After the students check in, they’re given a locker key. The lockers are outside the testing center room, so they are expected to go lock up their personal items and get back in line. Raholhehath.

For teachers, it isn’t much better: The parking around the building for the testing center is always jam-packed. There exists “30 minute parking”, but those are usually full as well. I either need to park across campus and walk over, or come really early in the morning to get a spot, just to run up and turn in the exams.

You also cannot submit exams online – you must submit it in person.

You also must make exactly the amount of copies that you need, and you must have each student’s name on each exam.

Also, you have to fill in a form per student per exam – their old process was one form per class per semester, but somehow they made it worse than it was before.

And picking up exams is just as annoying. I also have to make sure I wear my work clothes (even if it’s a day off) and my name badge so I don’t blend in with the students standing in line (instructors can go to the front of the line off to the side, but I feel shitty doing that.)

They also have very specific rules – only like 7 students per class are allowed to take exams there, you can’t allow everyone to take the exams at the testing center. If you mess up something on a form they’ll call you and complain about it, or not allow students to take the exam until you come in and fix it.

Also for the summer, they’re not open on weekends.

It’s so stupid. Radenelh.


That’s why I’m here on campus today. I need to proctor one final exam for one final student who didn’t come to the testing center in time to take the exam. I’m not mad at the student- people need accommodations sometimes- but I’m mad at the testing center for being so terrible.

At my university, I could email them the PDF and instructions, and they would email me the scanned exam back. Perfect! Technology is great! Let’s use it! Bó duth ne shinehaleth!




semester over

  1. Rachel comes home from work. “Bíi óohahule le wa.” (“I am extremely tired”).
  2. They throw their backpack on the ground.
  3. They breathe in – Wíyul
  4. Rachel looks triumphant, with a big grin. “Dóo ril nohom le!” (“Finally done teaching!”)

Lushede I’m SO tired. I’ve been at this school since the start of 2016, starting as full time by the fall semester of that year. I’m getting so burnt out. I used to really enjoy teaching, but after being overloaded for several semesters (teaching 6 classes instead of 4 at full-time…) I’m just so tired.

I don’t want to go back to software development, either. Maybe? I don’t want to work full time, I want to work on my startup, but ugh. I don’t have wealthy parents like a lot of those tech startup founders you hear about… I have car loans and student loans to pay off, so I have to keep working, but even part-time teaching bloats to take up like all your damn time.

But, the summer semester is over. I need to finish up some of the games we were working on. I just feel so sooososoososoo tired and so worn out. I need a break. And I need time to pursue my own things. Uggh.

In the Fall semester I’m teaching 3 classes at two different colleges, and I’m taking one grad-level course. I really don’t have my heart set on a masters in computer science, but we will see how it goes. I just don’t know what I want to do with my professional life. I’m so tired.


Computer generated phrasebook


So I had gone through the entire Láadan dictionary a few months(?) ago, splitting out the dictionary into separate files based on grammatical category. Today I’ve been going through and adding more English translations to fit different sentence forms, so I don’t have to add all these damn exceptions in my programs when using a program to generate phrases.

The dictionary repository is here: https://bitbucket.org/ayadan/laadan-dictionary/src/master/dictionary%20by%20grammar/

word generatorSo now that I have more of the English forms built out, I can better use these files in a program to generate phrases, like this sheet. Notice the problem? There are tens-of-thousands-of-entries. And this is just for “PRONOUN INTRANSITIVE-VERB” phrases.

With the current version of the Láadan quick-search dictionary, it loads in every word ahead of time and then just filters what you see with JavaScript based on your search. This is fine because the dictionary itself is only less than 2,000 entries… it’s a little slow, but it’s not terrible.

I cannot use this same approach for a phrasebook of “all possible permutations of Láadan phrases”, which I was trying to build – first with a “PRONOUN INTRANSITIVE-VERB” form, and then doing other sentence structures, gradually getting more complex. I want to build a phrasebook where you can do a search for something you want to say, and find something relatively close. But, I would probably have to store everything in a database at that point, and write a better dictionary system.


This is just something I work on during class, because I’m in the classroom for 7 hours and only lecture and do some coding for the students… most of the time they work on their assignments and just ask questions when they need help. That means I have a lot of time just sitting around being bored-as-heck.